Welcome To Hell

I wish I could walk up to every man, telling them how wonderful it will be, if ‘only’ they could live without getting attached.

I wish I could also walk up to every woman, telling them all the awesome feelings, explaining to them all the emotional off-loads they’re going to feel, only if they could live their lives, without getting attached to anything. But just the fuck it is, it seem it’s an unreachable dream.

Many has been said about love. But (I feel) something has never been cleared – ability to describe your feelings without getting hung up.

If a serious relationship is what you want, and you’re more than happy to stay with one person for the rest of your life – so be it. But don’t ever condemned those who think it’s not a better idea (at least for them) even when the reality is just that;  they’re running from something.

I respect every woman’s feelings. But that is the least I could do. I can never go as far as to changing myself just because of them. Unless the change comes from within.

That’s it. Is either you’re also playing the game or you’re being played. Either you want it or not.

Has anyone ever tells you to be honest with women? Has they ever tells you to never hide your feelings for them? Great! Then what did you gained? I doubt you’re heartbroken by now. As in, you didn’t find your dream girl.

Shame on you.

But wait? Those who tell you how to relate with women. How to talk to them. How to take them to first-date and second-date didn’t necessarily made a mistake. In fact, they’ve actually done a great job. But the problem is: are you combining ‘wisdom’ with your honesty? Ain’t women using you? Or let just say… Were you being fucked!

Remember those time when you’re being honest as fuck? Where you believe because you don’t ever manipulate anybody and that you’re transparent like no ever, that all because of that women should treat you with respect, that they should be loyal to you, cherish you and go over-the-moon just to celebrate how awesomely good you are, and that nobody should lie to you because after all you never lie to anyone? You remember? Great! How many of that moment really turned out just the way you want? (I doubt any!)

Now let look at it this way. Let assume you’re really an honest person. And in fact you treat everyone with your ultimate respect. But instead of being naive all because of honesty, you choose to remain smart. Although you’re honest as fuck, but you never doubt the fact that people can hurt you. You never fall asleep on the assumption of: as much as am being honest with people then people will never lie to me! But instead, you remain vigilant at all cost. You put everything in a perspective of: “Look! Just because you’re honest with people it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be dishonest with you. In fact, people have the tendency of hurting you better because they knew you were an honest man and you wouldn’t fight back.”

“Having an honest mind is great but together with being smart is better!”

You need to be incredibly awesome (at anything you do). You need to understand that, loving women is an honest to God practice and that you should cherish them with all your might but you must also remember that, they could fuck you real hard.

If being honest is the only thing you have up your sleeve then be ready for a difficult journey. Not only women, almost everyone in your circle will fuck you hard.

But to avoid all these uselessness:

Once people knew that you can’t deflect the truth from being lie to then that will be a great tools to be used against you. You’ll be there smiling like a silicone – believing everything you’re being told – when in reality, you’re been fed with a bunch of lie. And you won’t know. Not really, because you trust the way too much. You think because you didn’t lie to people then no one will lie to you. And you continue living your life as such. You’ve forgotten that the best way to manipulate someone is to appeal to their best side of character, what they’re good at.

So instead of just accepting people just the way they are. Check out if what they are is really worth it. Because being with a manipulative (partner or lover or whatever the fuck that someone may be) bag of shit won’t actually help you in reaching your goals. Instead, they’ll be more than happy to drain you.

And for the sake of this article (although I don’t know if the title actually aligned with what I write but anyway let just roll with it *cough* – *cough*) never take advice from anyone you think ain’t worth shit.

Be honest and be caring all you want- but never forget that people can still manipulate you together with your honesty. Hell, that’s what they want anyway. Yeah, your honesty! So be very careful and vigilant with anything you do.

For this case, love women, cherish them, protect them. But never forget the fact that: they could fuck you real hard.

You Know Why It Failed…?!?

… Because I couldn’t withstand a serious relationship!

I was shitty as fuck. Deregulated as fuck. Talking as fuck. And finally stupid as fuck. I didn’t have a life!

How many times have you believe how wonderful you are when in reality you’re just a useless prick?

We believe we’re something when actually we’re nothing! Nothing! But no! We tell ourselves wonderful things. Things we actually want to hear. Not what we should hear. We love pampering. Yeah! Pampering ourself. Instead of saying, “What the fuck? I am amount to nothing!” we say, “Correct! This is who I am.” when in reality, who we claim we are is just another form of uselessness.

I didn’t understand myself. Or let say, I didn’t understand my flaw.

I. Was. Stupid. That’s all.

I lost so many opportunities I couldn’t even count.

I wasted so much time on what didn’t matter. So much effort on useless shit. Instead of improving myself, I thought I was okay. I thought nothing is wrong with me. I thought I am the best. But ‘woe’ is me. I am just a useless prick.

I drive (almost) all the good relationship I have out of me due to my useless-good-sucking mentality of believing I can’t change because I think I am normal just the way I am. That those who can’t relate with me are the useless bastards. Well… I am the bastard – not them! I am the one behaving like shit.

Maybe I should tell you? You need change.

No! Not unbearable change. I mean physical change. Mental change. And probably habits change. To be honest, some things are not just okay.

So instead of continue lying to myself, I chose change. I chose to cherish every opportunity. Telling myself I could be better. Yeah! I can still achieve more. No! Not money all any superficial grand things. I mean emotionally – I can still be great. Instead of repelling people, driving them away, I want to be able to accept them.

Because not accepting them mean not accepting myself. You know why? Because I am shitty.

But now, I have chosen a different route. I want to be able to say, “Yeah! I know I am not the best. But at least I could change. Yeah! I mean I could be better!” that’s it. I don’t want to be in this mess again. I want to be emotionally better.

And what make you write this post? If you may ask – well,… I realize I was living like shit. And I don’t want to continue living this way. I want to know how to do better in relationship. Instead of saying, “I am okay,” I want to say the truth: “I am shitty in relationship!”

And if you’re going to spare me, right now, am starting to call all my love ones back. Because as from now, there’s no such thing as an asshole again (in my life). I don’t know about yours.

Yeah! Fuck you for thinking ‘badass’ never do that. You’re arrogant. That’s all.

I Can’t Give Her What She Wants

“The girl is not the problem. The problem is me.”

If am going to explain this; all am going to say (without me actually understanding it) is that: I can’t wrap my head around women. Not because they didn’t seem cool or normal. But because am scared I might not be able to give them what they want.

Women want to feel save – but I don’t want to do so.

They want a loving husband – when am just a simple partner.

Loving is sweet – but sometimes I prefer a simple partner.

What should I do?

“There’s only one thing that I want. I want my woman to have a base, a base where I could meet her, a base where I could say, “Yeah, am going to meet my babe,” where actually am not feeling attached. But the problem is: will any woman allow her man to live such a life..!!?”


Will any woman allow her man to be?

Let assume am dating your sister, and one day she walk up to you, and she told you how she met this man. He is caring, have good physique, and oh, he’s very gentle. But the problem is: he didn’t want to live with his wife. He strongly want to be alone. What Will You Do?

Will you allow her to marry such a useless asshole? Or will you advise her to follow her dream? – This is the problem that I have: I don’t want to be with women. But I deeply respect them.

Some people say ‘that’s just a lie,’ how will you love someone and not wanting to be with them? – Well, all I could say is that, am not that hard of a man, but when am in retrospective, I prefer the staying alone.

Yeah… It seem staying alone makes him happy.

If we should all be honest, sometimes (if not most of the time) we deeply want to question ourselves. Our values, does it align with our goals? And when we couldn’t find the answers, we feel lost.

Although, am not that a selfish prick. But I think right now, am going to be one. Because I don’t think there’s any benefits in trying not to offend my woman when in contrast, I am offending myself?

I want to date a woman – but am not in anyway interested in being bug down. I just want to be free…

But a problem is coming to pass…

I have already gotten a girlfriend.

She’s been keeping up with me all the time, accepting whom I am. But most times, I still feel like being fake. I feel like am not being genuine. Trying to compromise myself, all because of making her secure. It seem weird.

Maybe I shouldn’t hurt the woman, or I shouldn’t hurt her ego. But the truth is: I don’t want to get married. And if I must end up in marriage, I want us to live apart.

And if that mean am going to stay lonely, well, so be it. I just can’t force myself in a relationship where I couldn’t be there for the woman.


“God will never give out money, He can only give out the ideas.”

I was worried. Yes. But not about mundane things. I was worried because I couldn’t figure out my life.

I know, people say you should figure out your purpose. Yes… I have. But what about finance? What about sleepless night worrying about debt? Some will say I shouldn’t worry about the small stuff. That I should focus on the big picture. But wait…!! What big picture are they talking about? When am still struggling to put food on the table? No way! I have to say a BIG No!

It’s not that I don’t want to believe in the fallacy, “Yeah, find what you love doing and you wouldn’t work the rest of your life,” fuck it! We gotta work our ass off. We gotta do the shit we didn’t wanted to do. ‘There’s no money, and am also hanging on a debt, and you’re telling me to believe on my dream? Which fucking dream..!!?’ but the reality is right here staring me in the face: I am broke. Period.

But upon all these calamities, I can still see something I didn’t manage to see (at least back then). I didn’t manage to understand that, “God will never give you money, He can only pass you the idea,” very liberating.

I was one of a hardcore, at least when talking about life. I only believe in living a simple life. Sometimes the idea of getting married make me sick. While sometimes I just feel like doing nothing. But mostly I hate the responsibility. Having to deal with emotions, asking whereabouts, differences in values and much more. It doesn’t seem cool to me. But then I decide; if God can give idea on how to overcome all these huddles, then why wouldn’t He do the same in relationship? Believe me, I was left dumbfounded.

That means to say, I was the one making the stuff up. I was the one affecting my life. God didn’t sent me to borrow money, I was the one coming up with the idea. Although, if the money I borrowed really yield a good wonderful return, well, I wouldn’t be here ranting. But yeah, we all have our own unique stupidity of making our lives more miserable. Making decisions we shouldn’t have made. But now, it seem have learned some lessons.

So instead of beating myself up. I want to eradicate this. I want to find some ways out. Maybe, I mean maybe, I might come out victorious at the end of this tunnel.

…because right now, I can only keep on hoping.

The Journey

I will get over this, I promised.”

I didn’t have a good plan, nor am I highly intelligent. Maybe! All am doing is just taking it a step at a time.

Too much debtors, I said. I didn’t have a good sight. Just that, I was crazy like hell. Getting loan as if someone was pointing a gun at me. What a stupid me!? I moan.

I was crazy. Paving up and down. Telling myself all the stupid shit I couldn’t have done. But now it is too late. I have already put myself in a deep pit.

I didn’t know it will turn out like this. I didn’t know. I was just crazy. Trying to make money by all means.

Am not going to justify. I won’t ever take a single step to defend myself. I fuck up. That’s all. I make a poor decision.

“Sometimes, we just don’t need to follow our dreams.”

I could have waited another day. Building a website, I thought it was going to be a great deal. Without a single experience, it was hard like hell. Paying for shit I couldn’t figure out the uses. Getting loan for something I couldn’t understand. Anyway, that was then. Maybe now, I will make a good use.

Not knowing what to do. I sat down. Maybe on the floor. Well, I can’t say. All I know is that I sat down. My life. Where is it going? Am I going to die from all this? No way, I must figure out a way.

I thought website will be earning me money. SPOILER ALERT! It didn’t. I was broke like hell. Working and toiling on something I didn’t really understand. But hey, it was worth it. Even if I failed, at least have learn my lesson: Never Do Something You’re Not Knowledgeable About.

There’s room for improvement. Of course I know. Just that, you’ll be amazed how faster you learn if you properly took the right step, instead of guessing and cracking up brain. Cracking brain on what you didn’t even know the basics. Bad game, I cry.

I wasted so much money. Traffic or something, as if it was a Lexus 360, swallowing my money. Hell, not even my money, the money I got through the loaner. Stubborn me, I said. But now is not the time to get panic. And there’s no room for regret. I have to keep moving. At least I’ll be cautious now. Trying to figure out all the right step. Yes! That will be a good idea. Or what!? That was what I told myself.

First I need somewhere to work. Either the job I hate or the one I loath. I just have to do something. Or else this shark loan companies will cut my throat. So before kicking and smacking myself. I have to find solution. At least paying back the money first. That should be my first priority.

So I stood up. Staring bovine like at my TV wall. No, really? Is it a TV? No! I just remembered I didn’t have any. My room was plain like day. Nothing to show even to my girlfriend. Always boring like listening to a 70 years old lecturer speaking french when you only speak your native language in hope that he was lecturing you on how to make a planet count. When in reality, you were from Japan. And here you are, staring at your professor, speaking french, saying almost every jargons you wouldn’t even remember even when you’re gotten a plane ticket for it. Dull. I said. Anyway, there’s no time to waste time.

Which work should I do? I can’t say. I was just staring at the wall. Okay. What if I start a business? Cool! It seem that sounds great. But wait, which business am I talking about? Well, I just have to figure that out. But anyway, maybe thinking won’t solve a single shit of this. Maybe I should just get the fuck out of this house and find a good use of my time. With that in mind. I picked up my phone, checked the time and it said, 3:26 pm. What a bad luck, I thought. But anyway, no time is too long to make a comeback. Or at least, I have to put some hope.

I walked out. Lock the door and started the journey I didn’t sure how to arrive at the destination. Just plainly moving, hoping that one day, I might hit the right jackpot. Bullshit. I thought. But anyway, I still have to keep going.

This website, I am coming back to hunt you. I promised. I will learn all the shit I have to learn in other to make you work. But first, I have to pay back my loan. For this case, just watch out for my next move.

Fuck you! I Am Lasisi. Yes, I’ve gat to say fuck you even more than a million time. After all, you stupidly drag my money go.

But wait, is it me or the website? Oh oh! Then fuck me in return. I didn’t learn my home work.

Yeah! That should be my lesson: Always Have Some Knowledge Of What You’re Getting Yourself Into.

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