I don’t want to know much about life. Maybe I should just live my life the way am currently thinking of doing so? – I don’t know. But I just want to be free like an eagle. And yes! I might be a real loner.
Sometimes money ain’t being my problem. Although I didn’t have much you know. Am still full of debt and some stupid shit am paying out for. But I love those crazy shits of my life. Only that, some of these debts are holding me back. But well, am going to pay it all.
Okay, why am I writing this? Well, it’s all because I want to be a loner. And or maybe not a loner. But someone who didn’t have a lot to be bug down. A free man. Living life on my own term.
I may meet my dream girl (or maybe I won’t). That ain’t certain. Only death is certain. But I want to live without caring about a single fucking shit. And yes! Maybe fucking around a little. I love this crazy adventure called life. I just want to live my life to the fullest.
I might be in my hometown. (That’s currently where I am anyway). But that doesn’t stop me from living my life. All I need to do is to plan it based on my heart desires and wants.
Some people think am just wasting time. Well, maybe they’re right. Wasting time is my hobbies. As long as am not doing things society deemed normal. As long as am living my life on my own personal term. Not caring much about anything. Just plainly living my life.
In this dating jungle. I don’t really know if am going to settled down. But you know what? Both “mum” and “dad” are expecting grandson and granddaughter. Maybe I should give them one or two? Or I should just tell them to go fuck themselves?
But wait – ain’t it bad not to have my own kid, after all they born me as well?
It’s okay, I might end up having a child or two, but not in a crazy way almost everyone are doing it. (Going to school. Marry your dream or maybe not your dream girl. Spend the money that could be used to cater for the kids instead of crazily lavish it on your wedding ceremony. Then follow up with four to six kids no one will ever remember because they didn’t amount to anything much in life all because the money that could be used to take care of one child is being used to take care of five). Useless life.
That ain’t for me.
I want to create my own life. Maybe in a way nobody understood. Hell, I might not even understand it myself. But just creating it anyway.
My life. Not my fellow brothers life. So am free to do anything am capable of doing, as long as I can face the consequences. Yeah! That’s it.
And sometimes, there’s nothing like clean sheet.
I love meeting and approaching women. Then I realized, not every woman will like me. Sometimes I really want them to, but I have to face the harsh reality of life: just because you love somebody doesn’t mean they’re going to love you back. You have to face the truth.
I don’t know if am going to regret everything that am doing now or not. Because I’ve met so many women that I don’t even know which one is who. Am just hoping that this lifestyle won’t fuck me up.
I love some of the women I met. And some of them are just plainly filling the gap. I don’t know if that’s how I am to them as well, but all I know is: everyone has their own target.
Some of the women I met really want to settled down. (In which am not). And some of them are just plainly in it for sex.
Some of them only have interest in me, interest I can’t even explain or imagine. And some are just plainly not interested.
There are some I sometimes don’t want to lose, because I really want to protect them. And I really want to marry them.
But to hell with me, I’m not sure I could get married. (And this unmarried issue is disturbing me. It is fucking my life).
I sometimes feel guilty for my lifestyle. Where am looking at the girl I like leaving me all because I only care about sex. It’s painful. But, I just have to deal with it.
I might not leave every woman I met with a clean sheets. Maybe we’re going to sometimes make it rough. Where both of us depart with disagreement and scrutiny attention of wants. Where we both love each other, but our expectations and experiences are contradicting each other.
That is my ugly part of dating.
I don’t really think I could settled down. And in my dating book, I wish all the women I met really understand me.
I really love them. But I love my life better.
I don’t want to live a normal life.
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