“God will never give out money, He can only give out the ideas.”

I was worried. Yes. But not about mundane things. I was worried because I couldn’t figure out my life.

I know, people say you should figure out your purpose. Yes… I have. But what about finance? What about sleepless night worrying about debt? Some will say I shouldn’t worry about the small stuff. That I should focus on the big picture. But wait…!! What big picture are they talking about? When am still struggling to put food on the table? No way! I have to say a BIG No!

It’s not that I don’t want to believe in the fallacy, “Yeah, find what you love doing and you wouldn’t work the rest of your life,” fuck it! We gotta work our ass off. We gotta do the shit we didn’t wanted to do. ‘There’s no money, and am also hanging on a debt, and you’re telling me to believe on my dream? Which fucking dream..!!?’ but the reality is right here staring me in the face: I am broke. Period.

But upon all these calamities, I can still see something I didn’t manage to see (at least back then). I didn’t manage to understand that, “God will never give you money, He can only pass you the idea,” very liberating.

I was one of a hardcore, at least when talking about life. I only believe in living a simple life. Sometimes the idea of getting married make me sick. While sometimes I just feel like doing nothing. But mostly I hate the responsibility. Having to deal with emotions, asking whereabouts, differences in values and much more. It doesn’t seem cool to me. But then I decide; if God can give idea on how to overcome all these huddles, then why wouldn’t He do the same in relationship? Believe me, I was left dumbfounded.

That means to say, I was the one making the stuff up. I was the one affecting my life. God didn’t sent me to borrow money, I was the one coming up with the idea. Although, if the money I borrowed really yield a good wonderful return, well, I wouldn’t be here ranting. But yeah, we all have our own unique stupidity of making our lives more miserable. Making decisions we shouldn’t have made. But now, it seem have learned some lessons.

So instead of beating myself up. I want to eradicate this. I want to find some ways out. Maybe, I mean maybe, I might come out victorious at the end of this tunnel.

…because right now, I can only keep on hoping.

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