You have two choices. Accept your fate or challenge yourself, which one? I thought to myself. Option one is not acceptable, at least for now. Option two? Maybe! Facing challenges? I think it’s better than just plainly living.
I don’t know if am making the right decision. But who said every decision must be accurate? Sometimes it’s just about guessing. Maybe we might hit the jackpot. Jackpot? A very dangerous game. Some people even think it’s a death race, that we shouldn’t even try at all.
But for me, I’ve chosen to fight on. Either good or bad, am ready to face it.
It was on Sunday morning, and I didn’t know which lane to take. I was just full of shit. Although I have a plan, the problem is: that everything seems impossible.
When you know what you want, but couldn’t get it, it’s kind of frustrating. But now is not the right time to get mad.
I stood up, look around, and then realized, this is not the right path.
It is not the destination that counts, at least to me. It is the process of getting there. Because everything will challenge who you think you are on your way to getting there. You just can’t escape that fact. And how you choose to face it head-on will determine your success.
Many people will never see the mistake they’re making, all because of the struggle they think is battling them. And this battle they think is extraordinary will be the reason behind the shifting of their attention. So I have to take heed. I have to pay attention to these details. I just can’t blindly follow everything. I have a life, and I must make it count.
Today is not the first time I make a difficult decision. But, this one is just tougher. Taking the first step out of societal standards. It’s disgusting.
I adjusted my clock, it said 10:am. In a place I didn’t fully understand. Surrounded by people that didn’t care about me. All of them talking and blabbing about what they want. Asking stupid questions I couldn’t even understand. “To hell with them,” I said.
I don’t know if they understand life. Because most of them are just wasting time. Wasting time on trivial matters. Forgetting what they could have done. But doing something else instead. I sneered. These are just bountiful shit of people, working and fighting for something they don’t deeply care about. But all because of society, they are doing it anyway.
“Fuck ’em,” I said. No time for stupid people. Only if they have known, that since the day they were born, they have been assigned to death. That only death awaits them in life. Then maybe they wouldn’t be fighting for all these? Maybe they could have lived a greater life?
But who is going to tell them? No one! And if you tell them, are they going to make sense of it? Not sure! It is better to leave them. Fighting the rat race? It’s their loss.
Not knowing what to do, I decide to live on my own, paving the way and becoming an example for all nations. Possibility of achieving this goal? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to try. Me doing what people think it’s out of line will make somebody else do the same, and life will be getting more interesting. Having people who are ready to go beyond what is expected. It will be awesome.
But the problem is: are they going to give the best of themselves? Maybe yes, and or maybe no! Not that anyone knew what will happen, we just have to keep hoping.
I don’t know if people should fall in love because it seems that is the only place to get sick. Getting sick of everything. But maybe money will keep it going? It’s just the way I think.
Falling in love is a dead game, where both genius always feels the same: it hurt. You’ll do shit you’re not dared to do on your own. Only love can make you do such. It was always a crazy experience, but I think it’s all worth it.
Death race, where only you understand what you’re doing. But everyone around you? They all think you’re silly. I hope everyone understands that. What a weird assumption?
Maybe I should talk about women? Well, it seems I didn’t have enough experience. Money has always been the problem. Am just hoping that God should take control. This lacking of all money has tired me. I want to be free of all evil. I also want to have money.
I dialed my phone- toom- toom, toom; after the third ring, I heard her voice, “Baby, why do you call back all of a sudden?” She said, feeling nervous.
It seems she was still scared of my decision. Not knowing what am going to say next. Not that I want to scare her. But this is life, and sometimes, we deeply make some tough decisions.
I love my woman, and I cared about her. But this time, my life is in a deep mess. I have everything but money. Money is the main key to my suffering. And maybe not to most people, but me, I lack money.
So I have decided, this time, am going to make my life count.
“Jane, I also want to have a good life,” I said, feeling as if am going to die, “But look at me, what else can I provide? I love you with all my heart, but, does love count? How will I be happy without taking good care of you?”
I was getting emotional, even panic a little. I said, “Maybe we should cut everything?”
Life is tough, but we all have to be tougher. Instead of taking her into my trouble, I have to leave some space and allow her to be happy. I love her, but I can’t drag her into this mess.
I have decided, and I won’t go back in my words.
“You don’t have to think much Jane,” I said, feeling helpless, “I just want you to be happy. But it seems, no matter how I tried, I might not be able to take good care of you. Please Jane, promised me that, you will never stop taking proper care of yourself!”
I waited, waiting for her to make the decision. Not easy.
After suppressing the feelings, she burst out crying. “Lake . . .,” she called out, crying like a newborn baby, “It’s not that I don’t understand your struggle, but please, are you going to leave me?”
I know I was in deep shit. When I met Jane, we were both in a mess of feelings. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t mean much to us. Or someone that doesn’t see us just the way we see them. It was a very complicated emotion. We can’t even decide what we want.
Then we share the same feelings, have the same view of life, and permanently understand each other. And we finally fall in love.
Not that I have much money, but at least I have enough to go by. But suddenly, everything turns from not too great to worst. I started facing another huddle of life. Getting loans to support myself, it was as if I didn’t understand shit.
But what else could I do? Dragging her to this mess? No way! I’d rather leave her than distort her life. It’s a decision, the one that has been made.
I don’t directly answer her question, instead, I said, “This is a death race Jane, and I won’t ever turn back without achieving my goal, and my goal is to take a good care of you.”
I didn’t know, but then I realized, I was also shedding tears.
First time in my life, I was crying because I love women? It was a surprise, but I soon realized, I was deeply in love with Jane.
Jane is the best promising woman of my dream. Should I reconsider? No way! I must never go back to my words.
Without holding back I said, “Yes, I have to leave you for now, but I promised, I won’t ever stop thinking about you. I love you Jane. Goodbye,” and I hung up the phone.
I didn’t mean to hurt you, nor am I happy doing this, but this is a decision I have to make, and no anyone can hold me back.
I looked around, seeing everyone smiling and laughing. And that makes me ask myself, “Are these people truly happy, or they’re just faking it?”
I stared at my phone, switched it off, and break the sim card in it. Chewed it until I couldn’t recognize it was a sim. Then I took the battery and throw it away.
“This place,” I thought to myself, “I won’t ever come back without becoming successful. And maybe, Jane will be there waiting for me,” I said, murmuring to myself. And I turn back to the place I didn’t want to go.
Death race, a place where only you can dictate your life.
And I promise I won’t ever come back without achieving my goal.